Ahh, the lazy days of summer are finally here...

Well, since every day for the last two months has been in the range of 75-90 degrees it's really only the humidity that changes. Today we had this enormous and beautiful thunderstorm which, while it caused several minor power cuts, was fun to watch.

That said, it was all done by the time England took to the pitch in Lisbon to beat Croatia 4-2. I've been unconvinced by the national team lately. They've mostly stuck me as the international game's equivalent of Middlesbrough: full of surprisingly skilful players you never thought would play for them but, for some reason that is finger-avoiding, always the bridesmaid. Which is to say they're invariably taken into the toilets and fucked by the best man. Or at least the better team. Not sure which of those reads more grotesquely. Anyway... This time (as the song said) we'll get it right (as the song continued). I think that at last England has a squad with the depth and quality required to necessitate the janitorial staff down at FA HQ buying a pot of Brasso.

But I need to get one thing off my chest. Wayne Rooney. And lets face it, if he was on your chest you'd be in serious, serious trouble. The child has several major defects, which I will detail mometarily, which should be prohibitive of any club bidding more than a couple of packets of crisps for him.

1. His lack of talent. I'm serious. Yes, he's scored a couple of goals, but let's face it: even Emile Heskey would have scored them, and Andy Cole would have hit double the little pie-eater's tally. Shearer would have embarassed the competition in the three group games out in Portugal. So, you can put aside his goal-scoring "prowess". Switzerland and Croatia are far from football super-powers.

2. His lack of vision. Ah, I hear you cry, what about the header to Scholes, what about the neat one-two with Owen...? Okay, people. The little scouse fuckshit has a head like a 50p piece: all corners. Watch the replay. His nod was clearly towards the back post but that's not the direction the ball goes in. No. As luck would have it Paul Scholes came lurking in at the back post to make Rooney look good. And as for the one-two. Just look how far *behind* Owen he played it. The greedy little fucker could have played Owen in but instead gave the out-of-form Liverpool "striker" (if you can call him that anymore) a terrible pass five yards behind the on-rushing Owen who had no option but to put it back to Rooney.

3. His lack of grace. And by that I mean on the pitch. If barrelling through opponents was the measure of a player then Dennis Wise, Paul Ince, Paul Gascoigne, Eric Cantona and Neil Ruddock are some of the finest examples of poise and style you could hope to find.

4. His lack of grace. And by that I mean off the pitch. His constant failure to be humble and self deprecating give me the impression that he thinks he *is* the player that the press are talking about. He's not. He needs to give other players credit and lose that thick (both unintelligible and unintelligent) accent a little.

5. His temper. More cards than goals. Now that's a record to be proud of. Last season he collected more cards than goals, and that's not because referees were picking on him; it's because he's a dirty little shit and mouths off constantly to the officials. He needs to play against Ince or Wise or someone like Steve McMahon, Neil Ruddock, Vinny Jones or Kevin Moran...those boys would kick lumps off him and when he complained they'd break his leg. He's the product of a system that brings up players to be cossetted and play the European sytle of "drawing fouls", something that David Beckham has become adept at. It's not football, it's just shit. I know it's a tactic to employ within the rules of the game, but football is a contact sport, and he needs to learn that. He's no longer the best kid in his class or school. He's just an overweight, over protected, *average* footballer with a crappy temper.

On the other hand, I've just agreed to run a half-marathon in November.