Dubya-English Translator

From GWB's victory speech last night:

Statement: By seeking to turn our cities into killing fields, terrorists and their allies believed they could destroy this nation's resolve, and force our retreat from the world.
Translation: ...of course, we began our own retreat from the world with the abandonment of the Kyoto Agreement on Greenhouse Gases, the disregard of the UN Security Council, the alienation of many Eurpoean nations and much more.

Statement: And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because that regime is no more.
Translation:...and besides, they didn't have any in the first place.

Statement: Our war against terror is proceeding according to principles that I have made clear to all.
Translation...and will continue to change until they become clear to me

Statement: Any person involved in committing or planning terrorist attacks against the American people becomes an enemy of this country, and a target of American justice.
Translation:...unless it's an organisation committing the crime of mis-informing the public and assisting in the suppression of the freedom of thought and speech in an environment free from judgement or retribution. So, Fox News, on you go.

Statement: Any person, organization, or government that supports, protects, or harbours terrorists is complicit in the murder of the innocent, and equally guilty of terrorist crimes.
Translation:...unless it's us murdering the innocent in the name of our ideology and our brand of freedom. Because that's not actually terrorism. No, sir.

Statement: Any outlaw regime that has ties to terrorist groups, and seeks or possesses weapons of mass destruction, is a grave danger to the civilized world, and will be confronted.
Translation (i): Unless they definitely do possess those weapons, and I mean you, Mr. North Korea. In which case it's a purely regional issue and therefore someone else's responsibility.
Translation (ii): ...yes, possessing the firepower makes you a grave danger; which, as I think you can see, I've clearly proven that to be the case.

Statement: And anyone in the world, including the Arab world, who works and sacrifices for freedom has a loyal friend in the United States.
Translation...unless your sacrifice for freedom is the kind where you do mean things to the US; what I mean is that anyone who is prepared to die for my cause is alright by me.

Statement: Our commitment to liberty is America's tradition - declared at our founding, affirmed in Franklin Roosevelt's Four Freedoms, asserted in the Truman Doctrine, and in Ronald Reagan's challenge to an evil empire.
Translation: But obviously none of those bleeding heart liberal, pinko, commie fuck-shit Democrats have ever done anything worthwhile for freedom. No, just us Republicans.

Statement: The advance of freedom is the surest strategy to undermine the appeal of terror in the world.
Translation: ...and obviously as the top guy in the nation we can surely call the Defenders of Freedom, if I was in charge of every country there'd be peace everywhere since I'm unlikely to argue with myself - you need to be capable of seeing two viewpoints to do that and I need a shit-load of help to see the one I have already.

Statement: American values, and American interests, lead in the same direction: We stand for human liberty.
Translation:...human liberty and capitalism. And surprise. Fear, surprise, human liberty and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.

Statement: The United States upholds these principles of security and freedom in many ways - with all the tools of diplomacy, law enforcement, intelligence, and finance.
Translation: ...and a fuck-off big army when you don't willingly do as I say. So not really the diplomacy. I was just fucking with you there.

Statement: We are working with a broad coalition of nations that understand the threat, and our shared responsibility to meet it.
Translation:...the threat of disagreeing with us and being twatted, that is.

Statement: Yet all can know, friend and foe alike, that our nation has a mission: We will answer threats to our security, and we will defend the peace.
Translation:...especially if it means we get to go to war to do it.

Statement: Our government has taken unprecedented measures to defend the homeland - and we will continue to hunt down the enemy before he can strike.
Translation:...often before they even know they're going to strike. Sometimes even before they know they're an enemy. Possibly before they know who we are. Can't be too careful.

On the loss of allied troops in the Gulf:
Statement: Their final act on this earth was to fight a great evil, and bring liberty to others.
Translation: Well, except those ones we blew up in their tanks, planes or trucks accidentally. I suspect their last action was to wonder "Why the fuck are we being shot at by our own allies?" Still, they might have turned traitor...(see above).